I "Had To" Post Today!

Welcome to another edition of ‘Growing with Gauri’. I hope you enjoyed reading the previous editions. In case you are new here, here is the link to the first edition of this newsletter and here is a link to the previous one.

The theme for today - Have To Vs Want To

While starting this newsletter a few weeks ago, I promised that I would publish a new edition every 2 weeks. It felt like a reasonable timeline which would nudge me to write more often (the primary purpose of being here) and keep my readers connected at the same time. However, this week I lost track of this timeline and suddenly realised that today is when my (then unwritten) newsletter was due.

My first thought was oh no! I have to write it. My immediate next thought - oh no! I never wanted to bring in compulsion into what started as something I was truly excited about. The theme which comes up so often in social conversations as well as in my sessions with clients, became mine in that moment - “I have to vs I want to”. In that moment I decided - I want to write about this :)

One part of my work as a therapist is to highlight the importance of language shifts to bring about psychological flexibility and a focus on purpose rather than obligation. Take a moment to think about how you feel when any thought starts with:

• I have to / I should / I must….

  vs

• I want to / I would love to / I wish to…..

The difference is often what one feels when in distress due to something external, forceful, or obligatory vs the pleasantness of an internally motivated, purposeful, and intentional act, even when its effortful.

It is of course important to acknowledge that not all things we do can be put into this second category. However, you might be pleasantly surprised at how many can, if only we reflect a bit and figure out why we are truly doing what we are doing, just one layer beneath the surface level.

Consider something that feels like an obligation: eg: “I have to send out this project report today”. The first layer to this might be that you have to do it because you were told to, by a supervisor. This would potentially come with feelings of annoyance, urgency, overwhelm, etc. One layer beneath you may find a small little want sitting around: “I want to get this done so that I can have a peaceful non-rushed start to the day tomorrow”. Just this little moment of finding a shift in the narrative can reduce the irritation, distress, anxiousness, and overwhelm, to a slightly more calm and pleasant approach towards the exact same task.

Another very helpful outcome of shifting narratives in such a way is to slowly identify borrowed belief systems. Often we quietly internalise voices that aren’t ours to such a deep level that they start sounding like ours. However, the body and its visceral language, if carefully focussed on, almost always tries to resist. This may feel relatable if you reflect upon some daily internal voices and how the body immediately responds to them in that fraction of a second. (I will write more on the theme of borrowed beliefs in future editions)

So, the next time these shoulds, musts, have tos etc., show up in your automatic thoughts and vocabulary, I would urge you to take a few moments and see whether a shift in language and narrative feels possible and helps in an internal embodied shift in thought, feelings, and approach.

I am really glad I decided to write this piece. It was enjoyable and also served as a reminder of this knowledge I hold but frequently forget to put into action. I will be back soon. See you! Till then happy to receive thoughts, feedback, and requests for themes to cover, on growingwithgauri@gmail.com

p.s.: Yes I know I can set up reminders for the newsletter release date / automate this process - I think i might now.

p.p.s.: Feel free to write to me if you are keen to know more about the therapeutic modalities that talk about language shifts.